For those blissfully uninitiated, Chonkers is a male California sea lion of truly alarming proportions who has taken up semi-permanent residence on the K-Dock platforms at Pier 39, displacing his fellow marine mammals with the casual entitlement of a tech founder commandeering a four-top at a coffee shop. He's become a social media sensation, a tourist magnet, and — let's be honest — the closest thing San Francisco has to functional public policy right now.

The thing is, Chonkers is basically running a masterclass in how this city works. Show up somewhere you weren't invited. Refuse to leave. Get so big that removing you becomes a logistical nightmare. Acquire a fan base. Become "culturally significant." Congratulations, you're now permanently subsidized by the public's attention.

As one local put it, "You should contact Chonker's publicist. It's the same one who's making Angine de Poitrine everyone's favorite prog band." Another resident joked about managing his calendar: "He's packed this week. Could maybe slot you in Thursday morning."

Say what you will, but this 2,000-pound lump of blubber is arguably the most efficient economic engine in San Francisco right now. No city permits required. No environmental impact report. No $4.7 million feasibility study. He just showed up, delivered value to tourists, and costs taxpayers exactly nothing. The Board of Supervisors could never.

Maybe the real lesson of Chonkers isn't that we need to deplatform him. It's that we need to ask why a sea lion with zero government funding is generating more positive headlines for this city than the entire Mayor's Office of Economic and Workforce Development.

Stay large, king. At least someone in this town knows how to occupy public space without a six-figure consulting contract.