Turns out, the answer is nobody's. The snake in question appears to be a Pacific gopher snake — a species that is entirely native to the Bay Area and has every right to be there. More right than most of us, frankly, given the rent situation.

Gopher snakes are non-venomous and essentially harmless. As one local put it, "They are all bark and no bite — they hiss and strike but don't actually have any way to hurt you." Think of them as the Bay Area's version of that guy at the bar who puffs up his chest but would never actually throw a punch.

What's notable is the location. Gopher snakes are common enough in the wilder parts of the city — Glen Canyon, McLaren Park, the Presidio — but spotting one this big on the Embarcadero side of town is unusual. "Just never seen one so big inside city limits, nor this side of town," noted one SF resident. "Coyotes and deer and foxes and snakes, oh my."

Here's the thing we actually appreciate about this story: it's a reminder that nature doesn't need a city permit to exist. San Francisco spends enormous amounts of money on environmental programs and urban wildlife management, but sometimes the ecosystem just handles itself. The gopher snake eats gophers and rodents — you know, the creatures actually causing property damage. One Bay Area homeowner was already on board: "I'll take it! Can help with my gopher troubles."

No budget line item required. No task force. No three-year environmental impact study. Just a snake doing snake things, providing free pest control near some of the most expensive commercial real estate in the country.

If only the rest of San Francisco's problems solved themselves this efficiently.