Chonkers, the massive Steller sea lion who has taken up semi-permanent residence among the smaller California sea lions at Pier 39, has achieved something San Francisco's entire tourism bureau has struggled with for years: giving people an actual reason to show up.

The problem? He keeps his own schedule. Visitors have been making pilgrimages to the waterfront only to find Chonkers conspicuously absent from his usual dock, leading to a minor wave of panic among fans tracking his whereabouts. One Bay Area visitor put it bluntly: "He wasn't there yesterday — I want my money back."

For the uninitiated, Chonkers is not just a chubby sea lion. He's a Steller sea lion — a species that naturally dwarfs the California sea lions he lounges alongside. As one local noted, "He is being called fat when he is actually normal for a Steller sea lion. He is just hanging with the little California sea lions in comparison." Fair point. Context matters.

The good news for Chonkers devotees: Pier 39 has a 24/7 live sea lion cam, and recent early-morning sightings suggest he hasn't permanently relocated. He's lighter in color and dramatically larger than his dock-mates — if you have to squint and wonder whether you're looking at him, you're not. You'll know.

Here's what we actually love about the Chonkers phenomenon: zero tax dollars, zero committee meetings, zero environmental impact reports, zero consultants. A giant sea lion just showed up, people loved it, and the free market of internet virality did the rest. No one had to approve a $4.7 million feasibility study.

Another local joked that someone should "contact Chonkers' publicist" — but honestly, he doesn't need one. In a city that spends billions trying to make itself appealing, the best thing going is a freeloading pinniped who answers to no one.

Keep being ungovernable, Chonkers. San Francisco needs at least one thing that works without a budget line item.