The free market has spoken, and the answers are... surprisingly chaotic.

Let's start with the consensus pick: Black Jet Bakery in the Outer Sunset. Classic, reliable, and they actually know what a flaky crust is supposed to taste like. If you want a no-nonsense, well-executed apple pie without leaving city limits, this is your spot.

Three Babes Bakeshop also gets strong marks, though mentioning them in certain circles apparently triggers grief counseling for fans of the late Mission Pie. (Rest in peace, you beautiful neighborhood institution.)

Now for the wild cards. The apple turnovers at the Frog Hollow stand at the Ferry Building Saturday farmers market aren't technically pie, but they're close enough to make the cut — and they're spectacular. And if you're feeling unhinged in the best possible way, one local swears by the apple pie milkshake at Mo's in North Beach: "They put a whole slice in there and mix it in." Honestly? Respect.

Perhaps the most delightfully unhinged recommendation: one SF resident insists that Ace Hardware sells surprisingly good pies. Yes, the hardware store. We live in a city where you can buy a pipe wrench and dessert in the same trip. God bless capitalism.

The honest truth that nobody wants to admit? As one Bay Area pie enthusiast put it, the real best apple pie in California might require a car and a drive out to the Gold Country — specifically the Red Apple Bakery near Murphys. But that's a three-hour commitment, and gas isn't free.

So here's the bottom line: San Francisco's apple pie scene is scrappy, decentralized, and a little weird — kind of like the city itself. Skip the $18 artisanal slice at whatever popup just landed in Hayes Valley and hit one of these spots instead. Your wallet and your taste buds will thank you.