In news that somehow needs to be reported in the year 2025, federal officials have declined to reopen Alcatraz Island as a functioning prison.
Yes, that Alcatraz — the crumbling, salt-corroded former penitentiary sitting in the middle of San Francisco Bay that currently serves as one of the most popular tourist destinations on the West Coast. The one that's been closed since 1963 because it was too expensive to maintain back then. Someone in Washington apparently thought it would make a great comeback story.
Let's be clear: we're all for being tough on crime. San Francisco has spent years dealing with the consequences of lax enforcement and revolving-door prosecution. We'd love to see serious investment in public safety infrastructure. But reopening a 90-year-old island fortress that lacks modern plumbing, electrical systems, or anything resembling ADA compliance isn't a public safety plan — it's a fantasy.
Mayor Lurie, to his credit, seemed to grasp the obvious. He pointed out that there's "no realistic plan for Alcatraz to host anyone other than visitors" and suggested that if the federal government has billions to spend in San Francisco, maybe they could direct it toward keeping streets safe and clean and helping the local economy recover. Hard to argue with that math.
As one SF resident put it, this is "Joffrey Baratheon-level fantasy" — a reference that's painfully apt. Another local quipped that maybe they should "try opening Azkaban" instead, which would frankly be about as feasible and roughly as expensive.
Alcatraz currently generates significant tourism revenue for the city. Turning it into a functioning prison would mean gutting a proven economic engine to build something that would cost taxpayers an astronomical sum — all for the aesthetic of looking tough. That's not fiscal conservatism. That's not even good theater.
Want to get serious about criminal justice? Invest in modern facilities, hire more officers, and fund prosecutors who actually prosecute. Leave Alcatraz to the tourists and the seagulls.
